30 for 30 (5-1)

Well, it took a year, but here it is: the final installment of my initial 30 for 30 post. A refresher: these are the top 30 forgettable Twins. Once again, “forgettable” in this instance refers only to the players’ time in Minnesota. Also, this list is restricted to those players I remember watching or reading about as they played.

5. Glenn Williams 2005: Ever since Corey Koskie left town in 2004, the Twins have been searching for a competent third baseman. One of the earliest attempts at replacing the Canadian cornerstone was an Aussie also-ran named Glenn with two “N’s.” Twice Mr. Williams was considered by Baseball America to be a top 100 prospect. Of course that was 10 years before the Twins got a hold of him. But, hey, he did win a silver medal with Team Australia in the 2004 Olympics, so he was worth a shot.

In what would be a sign of things to come, 2005 saw seven different men man the hot corner. While that included memorable names like Cuddyer and Punto, there were also 570-plus innings out of guys like Terry Tiffie, Juan Castro, Luis Rodriguez and Glenn Williams. Twins fans in 2005 were even lucky enough to see one MLB inning of third base Most Forgettable Twins runner-up Michael Ryan played.

As far as that crop of conceivable Koskie replacements goes, Williams fit somewhere in the middle, production-wise. He hit .425 in 43 plate appearances, including one double and one steal. Defensively, however, he was simply not the answer the Twins were looking for. Williams would spend two more years at Rochester until he retired in 2007.

4. Chris Heintz 2005-07: When I look back at the career of this backup catcher who spent parts of three seasons with the Twins I have just one thought: “This guy spent parts of three seasons with the Twins?” Heintz, who is probably known by most baseball fans as PGA golfer Bob Heintz’ brother, was drafted by the White Sox in 1996. It wasn’t until failing to break through with both the Cardinals and the Pirates and spending a year in Rochester that the 30-year-old catcher finally made his major league debut.

Heintz played eight games in 2005 and two in 2006, collecting five hits and six strikeouts. In 2007, with Joe Mauer only playing 109 games and Mike Redmond being a 36-year-old Mike Redmond, the Twins thought it wise to give some other catching options a try. While that search for a capable number three guy lead to the 3-for-3 debut of Jose Morales and the return of Matt LeCroy, the majority of that extra time came in the form of 24 games for Mr. Heintz. Chris performed about as well as could be expected, hitting .250 in 61 plate appearances. After being released following the 2007 season, Heintz was given one last shot in the form of a minor league deal with the  Orioles, where he once again batted .250 in 46 games for the Norfolk Tide.

3. J.D. Durbin 2004: Durbin was selected by the Twins in the second round of the 2000 draft. Born in Portland, Oregon and a graduate of Coronado High School in Scottsdale, Arinzona…you know what…no. I’m not even going to go over this guy’s background. There is one reason and one reason only for J.D. Durbin to appear on this or any other list: The Nickname. Yes, the guy was considered a prospect at one point. I remember a certain aura of excitement around his 2004 debut as a September call-up. It seems like there was something about having command of his fastball and pitching to contact, I’m not sure. All I can say for certain is that he had a nickname. Not only that, but he gave himself this nickname. I think that’s the real reason that I will never forget J.D. Durbin no matter how innocuous his actual career may seem. It takes a certain level of self-importance to dub yourself “The Real Deal.”

2. Michael Nakamura 2003: Remember all that hype about Tsuysoshi Nishioka? Remember how everyone was excited about the Twins picking up their first Japanese-born player? Remember how eventually someone quietly pointed out that he wasn’t actually the first, but didn’t make a big deal out of who the first was? That would be this man.

A relief pitcher, Nakamura was born in Nara, Japan, went to school in Melbourne, Australia, and split his 31 major league games between the Twins and Blue Jays. While his 7.82 ERA is pretty ugly, he did pick up one save, so kudos to him.

1. Carlos Pulido 1994/2003-04: Carlos Pulido is a testament to determination. Signed as a 17-year-old free agent by the Twins in 1989, the left-handed reliever dominated his first three seasons of minor league ball, posting ERAs in the 2’s and regularly striking out 10+ batters per inning. Things started to slow down a little starting in 1992, which is coincidentally the same year he began to make the shift to starter. The ERA rose, the K/9 dropped, but still, in 1994 he made his MLB debut, starting in 14 games and appearing in 19. It wasn’t an overly impressive rookie campaign, a 5.98 ERA and more walks than strikeouts meant that he wasn’t quite ready for the big show.

Throw in an arm injury and Pulido wouldn’t pitch in the big leagues again until 2003. That’s right, he went nine years in between major league appearances. The Twins seemingly gave up on him, allowing the Cubs to sign him in 1996. Despite pitching well enough to make the jump from AA to AAA, Pulido wasn’t a priority for Chicago as he was allowed to sign with the Montreal Expos for the 1997 season. After another one year minor league stay, Pulido moved on to Mets organization where he stayed until 1998. In 1999 he pitched independent ball. 2000 and 2001 were spent with the Orix Blue Wave in Japan. 2002 meant a trip south of the border and a pretty good performance with the Oaxaca Guerreros.

The Twins, seemingly impressed, not only with Pulidos numbers with the Guerreros, but also with his warrior spirit, brought him back for one of the most under-publicized inspirational stories in baseball history. After nine years away and back with the only major league team he had ever played for, Pulido had a great 2002 with Rochester. The Twins rewarded him in 2003 with an August 29th call up against the Rangers. Pulido pitched well enough to get another shot in 2004, but not well enough to become earn a full-time spot on the roster. Released by the Twins again in 2005, at 33, even with his MLB career most likely over Pulido still wasn’t ready to quit. He went back to Mexico where he played two more years before finally retiring. It should be no surprise that immediately after his playing days came to an end, he signed on as a pitching coach for the Rangers’ A team.

The personification of persistence, Pulido’s 32-game playing career spanned 15 years.

30 for 30 (10-5)

Here is the next installment of my initial 30 for 30 post. A refresher: these are the top 30 forgettable Twins. Once again, “forgettable” in this instance refers only to the players’ time in Minnesota. Also, this list is restricted to those players I remember watching or reading about as they played.

10. Dusty Hughes 2011: When I first saw Dusty Hughes pitch for the Royals in 2010, I thought to myself, “Wow! That is a cool name. I hope he plays for the Twins one day.” Little did I know what I was wishing upon the State of Hockey.

Even though he somehow managed to record one win in his 12.2 innings over 15 games, Mr. Hughes (not the same man) contributed a 9.95 ERA to the worst Twins team of all time. That will teach me to judge the merits of a professional athlete based solely on the coolness of their name.

9. Matt Fox 2010: Some guys just never get a fair shake. Matt Fox is one of those guys. Making his minor league debut in 2004, Fox basically spent his first five years in the Twins’ system as a successful swing-man, starting 59 of the 110 games he appeared in. He posted a sub-4.00 ERA in every year, except his debut year and 2005 which he missed due to shoulder problems. His AAA numbers are solid: 16-13 with a 3.95 ERA. Outstanding? No. Worth an extended look in the majors? No. Worth one early September major league start? OK, fine.

Target Field played host to 40,134 paying customers on September 3, 2010 to see the Twins beat the Rangers 4-3. Chances are, if you asked them today, not even half of them would be able to tell you who started that game. That’s right, it was The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Despite holding the eventual American League champions to two runs on four hits, Fox was denied the win, being lifted in the fifth inning after throwing 90 pitches.

Pretty impressive, though right? Well not impressive enough to get another chance with the Twins. Fox was claimed off waivers by the Red Sox six days later. Boston used him three times out of the bullpen, to unimpressive results. Oddly enough, in the 1.2 relief innings Fox pitched for Boston, he gave up the exact same number of hits (four) and runs (two) as he in his brief Twins career.

8. Tommy Watkins 2007: Where to start with Tommy Watkins? Why not the end? Tommy Watkins bobble-butt night. That’s right. That was a thing. Mr. Watkins, a native of Ft. Myers, Florida, was so popular during his two-year stint with the Twins’ Class-A affiliate, that the Miracle concocted a new type of bobble just to commemorate his greatness. Of course that “greatness” translated into actual numberees, would up much more similar to Drew Butera than Justin Morneau, or even Luis Castillo. In just under 200 games, Watkins hit .248 with 3 homers, 21 steals and 59 RBI.

Those numbers were actually pretty standard for his minor league career. In fact, when he finally retired after 12 years as a player, he finished with that same .248 batting average. Undoubtedly, his best season came in 2007, his first full year with Rochester. As a reward, he was brought up to help out during the injury-riddled disappointment of a season that saw the Twins finish in third place, 17 games out of first place.

He played nine forgettable games with the big club. Despite spending most of his time in the minors as something of a utility guy, playing every position, including catcher, most of his time in the majors was spent at third base, where he performed admirably, fielding all 19 of his chances cleanly and without error. 2008 saw Watkins back in AAA and by 2009 his playing career was finished. He started assisting Jake Mauer in Ft. Myers during the 2009 season and in 2010 was named the batting coach of the Beloit Snappers.

7. Terry Tiffee 2004-06: Don’t let the less-than-manly name fool you, Terry Tiffee has some power. He’s also an Olympic hero from way back in 2008 when the world at large, or at least the International Olympic Committee, considered baseball a sport worthy of world-wide competition. Tiffee was a part of the Davey Johnson-led U.S. team that took home what could possibly be the last Olympic bronze medal ever awarded to a baseball team.

Sporting a .295 average in 12 years, and contributing more than 100 home runs and 700 RBI, Tiffee has always had respectable minor league numbers. That might be why so many teams have been willing to give him a chance, at least at that level. After spending the first seven years of his career in the Twins system, including call-ups in each year from 2004-06, Tiffee spent time in the minors with six MLB organizations and the Independent League’s Lancaster Barnstormers.

6. Jason Pridie 2008-09: There was a time when the Minnesota Twins really must have liked Jason Pridie. In the 2005 Rule 5 draft, the Twins were drawn to this speedy outfielder who had shown some ability to hit for average and a little bit of power, selecting him from the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Not having the roster space for him and unwilling or unable to work out a trade, Pridie was sent back to Tampa. Somewhere Bill Smith wept. Or so I assume. Smith must have been thinking the Twins let one get away, because in 2008, Pridie was included in what may be Smith’s signature move as general manager. Pridie, Brendan Harris and Delmon Young were brought in in exchange for Matt Garza, Jason Bartlett and minor-leaguer Eduardo Morlan.

Then something happened. Somewhere between acquiring and reacquiring Pridie,the Twins realized they didn’t actually want him. Despite maintaining, for the most part, the same level of play he had produced throughout his career, Pridie was never really given a chance with in the majors. Like the kid that begs and begs for a toy only to throw it callously in the closet next to the Jeff Christys and David Winfrees of the world, never to be played with again, Pridie saw six total plate appearances in two years with the Twins. He walked and struck out once each, and scored three runs, but never got a hit.

But the story of Jason Pridie is not all sad. For much like that discarded toy will one day be donated to the local Good Will, Pridie was claimed in 2010 by the New York Mets. Free at last, Pridie spent a large chunk of the 2011 season with the Metropolitans. Pridie finally did get that first hit on April 23, off of Barry Enright of the Arizona Diamondbacks.

A Denim Prison

You know what I don’t like? Being hot. You know what else I don’t find all that great? Being uncomfortable. Wanna know another thing that annoys me? Fitting rooms. That being said, I think you can probably extrapolate from the provided information my feelings toward pants: I am not a fan.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the need for pants. I certainly don’t want to live in a world where every Tom, Dick and Robby is allowed to walk blindly into the Jimmy John’s drive through staring at their cell phone instead of looking where they are going while doing their best Porky Pig impression. I know that the clothing industry is a valuable part of our world’s infrastructure. Just imagine a world without fashion models or sweatshops or Old Navy commercials would be like. Why, I don’t think anyone would want to experience that waking nightmare.

So yes, I do understand that most people, myself included, should never subject strangers or even unwitting loved ones to the sight of their favorite fully exposed pair of Garfield and Friends underoos, unless ordered to at gunpoint by a bank robber. (No need to be a hero.) That being said, there is no reason in the world I should have to wear pants in the privacy of my own home.

To me, the act of cramming my powerful gymnast-like thighs into even the most comfortable pair of jeans feels more like squeezing a couple of hairy balloon animal giraffes into a wet pair of infant-sized ankel socks. Good at keeping me warm on a chilly day? Sure. Handy for making sure I don’t get arrested for indecent exposure? You betcha. Something I would willingly subject myself to if social norms and near crippling self-image issues didn’t demand it? Not a chance.

That being said, the next time you knock on my door without extending me the courtesy of some type of advanced warning, yeah you are just going to have to hold on for a second while I get some pants on.

10 Things That Are Things

Lists are awesome, right? Unquestionably one of the most popular ways to organize multiple related pieces of information, the list is an almost indispensable part of modern life. Why, just imagine where you would be without lists. Go ahead, do it. Chilling, no? Think you could rank your ten favorite Major League Baseball players named Ramriez without a list? Maybe, but the formatting would get confusing. I mean what format would you use? A word search riddled with Z’s? Bubble chart? Some kind of interpretative dance? Ever try grocery shopping without a list? Well, yeah, probably, unless you happen to be the type of anal retentive stick in the mud who won’t take a trip to the local Piggly Wiggly without scribbling down the same 25 items you buy every week on that note pad with the adorable little penguin playing poker with the Easter Bunny and the Chiquita Banana lady.

But that’s not the point. The point is lists do exist. They exist and they’re awesome. They are so awesome that they make other things awesome by association. Casey Kasem. David Letterman. Hazel Mae. Would any of these people be celebrities without being so closely associated with lists? Yes. Yes they would. OK, that may not have been the best example, but the point is still the same: Coke and Pepsi DO NOT taste the same if you take the labels off and blindfold someone and tell them they are drinking Dr. Pepper. I don’t care what that marketing professor said freshmen year. Wait, that wasn’t the point at all.

No, the point was that lists are things. Therefore, in the spirit of celebrating the thinginess of lists, I present to you the following list of things that are things.

10) Get Smart.

9) Paper shredders that you buy and leave sitting for seven years and then, after you have seven years worth of old car insurance statements, prescription envelopes and affair-related hotel receipts stacked up and ready to shred, the damn thing won’t even turn on so you either have to convince your wife to take three bags full of identity theft to work and get it shredded on company time with company property or rip it all up by hand and develop so many thumb blisters you can’t play video games for a week.

8) A headfirst slide into first base.

7) A sock puppet named Brigitte.

6) That hair sprouting from the mole on my left hand that seems to grow at a rate approximately 10 times greater than any other hair on my body.

5) A supercardiod microphone.

4) Auto-corect.

3) Volcanically triggered lightning.

2) That emergency call button in the elevator that I want to push just to see if it’s just an alarm or if it’s actually a phone and if so, does it connect directly to the fire department, or does it call the front office, or does it dial to the elevator manufacturer? I mean there appears to be a speaker underneath it, but is that really hooked up to anything? How much trouble could I get in for pushing that button just for the heck of it? What if I just pushed it with the door open and then ran like hell? Although, I guess that would kind of defeat the purpose of pushing it. Sure I would have satisfied the primal need to push buttons that dwells deep within all of us, but it would do nothing for my curiosity. And what is life if not the never-ending search for answers? I mean, I never would actually push it, but it’s just sitting there apart from all the other buttons, I’m betting it’s never been pushed. Even if it has been pushed, it certainly doesn’t get anywhere near as much action as the other buttons. Poor little button. So lonely.

1) The five-hole.

Honorable Mentions:

1) Excessive Theoretical Auditory Reproduction Syndrome

2) That word that rhymes with “orange.”

3) Strawberries and cream boatmeal.

4) The Venezuelanese Language.

5) A one-pronged fork.

30 for 30 (15-11)

Here is the next installment of 30 for 30. Once again, these are the top 30 most forgettable Minnesota Twins.

15. Eric Hacker 2011: Eric Hacker is a good pitcher. There, I said it. Now why can’t anyone else pick up on this? In eight minor league seasons, Hacker has posted a 59-44 record, 3.93 ERA and a 2.27 K/BB. Granted those numbers would look even better if it weren’t for four AAA seasons in which Mr. Hacker is 29-28 with a 5.01 ERA and 1.99 K/BB.

Then there are his major league numbers. In 2009, with the Pirates, Hacker pitched three innings of relief, allowing two runs on four hits while striking out one and walking two. Neither impressive nor memorable. Now compare that to his brief time with the Twins in 2011: 5.1 innings over two games, no runs, four hits, two strike outs and four walks. OK, still not great numbers, and of course, there’s that small sample size thing again, but come on!

I guess the thing that bothers me most about the way Hacker was used, or should I say, not used, by the 2011 Twins was the fact that their pitching was absolutely atrocious. Instead of constantly trotting out Dusty Hughes, Lester Oliveros, Jeff Manship, Jim Hoey and the like, would it have killed them to give Hacker more than two games? I mean a 0.00 ERA! Come on!

14. Willie Eyre 2006: Before completely forgetting to show up against the Athletics in the playoffs, the 2006 Twins had one heck of a season. A great division battle with the Tigers was punctuated by top-notch performances by just about everyone on the team. Justin Morneau won his MVP award, Johan Santana won a Cy Young award, and Francisco Liriano finished third in Rookie of the Year voting.

Yup, solid performances from everybody. And then there was Willie Eyre. Through 42 games as the Twins’ primary lefty out of the bullpen, Eyre posted a 5.31 ERA and added 22 walks and 26 strike outs. Clearly the worst the pen had to offer, at least Eyre wasn’t the worst pitcher on the team that year. Far from it, in fact. Five starters, including Scott Baker, Matt Garza and Carlos Silva contributed worse ERAs.

Coincidentally, click the link and check out that middle name. Now that’s a man destined to play baseball.

13. Pat Borders 2004: Pat Borders had a long and interesting career. Breaking into the big leagues in with Toronto in 1988, Borders managed to hang around the majors until his second stint with Seattle in 2005, despite being a career .253 hitter who only tallied 69 home runs and 346 RBI over 3,499 plate appearances.

Borders never made an All-Star team, though he was a central figure in both of the Blue Jays’ World Series championships, and was rewarded with the World Series MVP in 1992. 1990 was clearly the backstop’s most productive year. He posted a 2.7 WAR with a .286 batting average and recorded 22 percent of his career home runs and 15 percent of his career RBI. So what does that have to do with his 2004 stint with Minnesota? In his brief, 19 game Twins career, he matched his career-high .286 batting average. Sure, he did so in 344 fewer at bats, but the fact that he could match his peak performance 14 years later is impressive to me.

One final interesting, but useless note: On September 1, 2004, Pat Borders (41) caught starter Terry Mullholland (41) to form the oldest battery in major league history. The Twins beat the Rangers that day on a score of 4-2, with Borders going 1-for-4. Coincidentally, the first batter Mullholland faced on that day was 37-year-old Eric Young, Sr.

12. Dave Gassner 2005: Perhaps the most obscure player on this list, Gassner is only memorable to me because he went to high school with someone I used to work with. I know for a fact that I watched at least one of Gassner’s two starts. At least I think I did. OK, I more than likely didn’t, considering they were both mid-April afternoon starts.

All Dave Gassner did was win ballgames. In both of his starts, against the Royals and Indians, the Twins ended up with the W. Unfortunately, despite looking pretty good against the hapless Royals (6 IP, 2 runs, 3 hits), Gassner laid an egg against Cleveland (1.2 IP, 5 runs, 6 hits). And that was the extent of Mr. Gassner’s MLB career. Hey, it’s still 7.2 innings more than I’ll ever pitch.

11. Matt Macri 2008: Just looking at the names that populated the 2008 Minnesota Twins infield, one would not be surprised at all to see record levels of offensive ineptitude. The actual numbers, however show what may have been the final iteration of the Piranhas. Justin Morneau’s usual awesomeness aside, here are the Twins infielders with batting averages north of .280-Nick Punto (.284), Brian Buscher (.294), Alexi Casilla (.291), Matt Tolbert (.283), Matt Macri (.324). That’s right, .324! Add 2 walks, a homer, a double and 4 RBI in 36 plate appearances, and you can extrapolate that small sample size all the way to the Hall of Fame.

Of course, throw in Adam Everett, Mike Lamb, Brendan Harris and Howie Clark and you can see things are getting a little crowded. Why the organization decided to keep Macri in the minors and continuously give Tolbert, Harris and Casilla chances, I’ll never know.

Macri has a long history of being “wanted” by both the Twins and the Rockies. Originally drafted but not signed by the Minnesota in 2001, Colorado succeeded in signing Matthew Michael after selecting him in the 2004 draft. He was traded to the Twins for Ramon Ortiz in 2007. No surprise, then, that once the Twins finally released Macri in 2010, the Rockies were waiting with open arms. No major league time, but open arms none-the-less.

30 for 30 (20-16)

Here’s the next installment of my initial 30 for 30 post. A refresher: these are the top 30 forgettable Twins. Once again, “forgettable” in this instance refers only to the players’ time in Minnesota. Also, this list is restricted to those players I remember watching or reading about as they played.

20. Julio DePaula 2007: Have I mentioned how mediocre the 2007 season was? At some point, someone decided it would be a good idea to let this guy pitch. And then they did it again. And again. And again. To be fair, he had preformed pretty well in the minors, but at some point you have to recognize the difference between a good minor league pitcher and a competent major leaguer.

Signed by the Twins as a amateur free agent in 1999, DePaula’s 16-game major league career was hardly worth the eight year wait. He gave up as many runs as he had innings pitched (20), allowed 30 hits and struck out only eight while walking 10. For some reason, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays briefly thought they could make something of him as he spent the 2009 season posting an admirable 3.87 ERA for their AAA affiliate. After spending 2010 in Japan, DePaula’s journey led him back to Minnesota, where he posted a 3.86 ERA in four games for the St. Paul Saints.

19. Ruben Sierra 2006: I’m pretty sure that for a good chunk of the early 2000s, the Pohlads were making a little extra money on the side by doubling the Metrodome as a retirement home. How else would you explain guys like Orosco, Terry Mullholland, Jose Offerman, Rick Reed…the list goes on. Like Orosco, Sierra was another one of those once-great players who simply didn’t have it anymore. In fact, by the time the Twins got him, Sierra had stopped “having it” a couple of years ago.

Thinking Sierra could help out at DH, the Twins took a brief chance on the four-time all star, allowing him to spend the final 14 games of his 20-year career posting a .179 batting average in 33 plate appearances. The short stay shouldn’t have come as too much of a surprise considering what happened almost a decade earlier. In 1997 Sierra spent exactly 14 forgettable games with Toronto. At least he managed to hit a home run for the Blue Jays.

18. Justin Huber 2009: Once upon a time, there was a strapping young catching prospect from Melbourne, Australia. He hit for average. He hit for power. He was from Melbourne, Australia. Yes, everything was going great for Justin Huber, until 2004, when he was traded by the Mets to Royals for Jose Bautista. That same season, he injured his knee, and his time as both a catcher and a top prospect were over. All this before he even made his major league debut.

Thanks mostly to 396 at bats worth of repeated exposure to familiar AA pitching, Huber looked good in 2005, posting career highs with 23 homers and a .326 average. Those numbers did not translate to major league success in brief call-ups with the Royals in 2005, or 2006 or 2007. A move to the National League helped, as Huber enjoyed his best major league success with the San Diego Padres in 2009.

Of course, his best major league success consisted of a .246 average and his first and second career home runs (the only two of his career). All of this, of course, brings us to his game with the Twins. That’s right, one game. Huber’s performance in that one September game impressed the Twins enough to bring him back on another one-year minor league deal in 2010, but not enough to earn him another call-up.

Perhaps the most impressive thing about Huber: the caliber of pitcher he was able to hit those two career home runs off of: Cliff Lee and Randy Johnson. I guess if you’re only going to get two, might as well make them memorable.

17. Brad Thomas 2001/2003-04: Oh look, another Australian! Brad Thomas has lived a rich and interesting baseball life. Signed as a minor league free agent by the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1995, the Sydney native was unimpressive in one year of rookie ball before being released by Los Angeles and signed by the Twins in 1997.

Clearly, the Dodgers gave up on Thomas too early, as he was a four-time minor league All-Star in the Twins system. Of course, minor league success doesn’t necessarily guarantee you anything. In eight years with the organization, Thomas saw time in only 11 major league games. A look at the numbers shows that was probably a good thing: 9.89 ERA, 8/18 strike out/walk ratio and 33 hits allowed in 23.2 innings. Relatively small sample size aside, Thomas was anything but an All-Star in the big leagues.

By 2004 Thomas’ time with the Twins, and apparently MLB, was done. But appearances can be deceiving. After spending a season each in the minors with Boston and Seattle, and stints in Japan and Korea, Thomas signed with Detroit after the 2009 season. He spent all of 2010 pitching excellently out of the Tigers’ bullpen. 2011 was not quite as kind to the southpaw from down under, however, and he was not brought back for 2012. But have we seen the last of Brad Thomas? Probably.

16. Tony Fiore 2001-2003: Fiore is another guy on this list almost solely because of his name, or more specifically a nickname that is known only by me and my wife and used exclusively by me. Most likely because I am the only baseball fan since 2003 to ever talk about  Tony “gooey” Fiore. You see, it’s a play on the fact that his name sounds kind of like the pasta that’s shaped like a flower: fiori.

Anywho…you may have guessed, based on the above paragraph centered completely around a very loose association with a former big league reliever and the way that his name sort of sounds like a somewhat obscure subsection of a very specific type of food, that even I don’t remember all that much about Mr. Fiore. That’s kind of sad, when you consider the man provided 73 games worth of good-to-adequate relief work for three of the most memorable and enjoyable Twins teams of all time. Oh well, such is the life of a middle reliever.

30 for 30 (25-21)

Here’s the next installment of my initial 30 for 30 post. A refresher: these are the top 30 forgettable Twins. Once again, “forgettable” in this instance refers only to the players’ time in Minnesota. Also, this list is restricted to those players I remember watching or reading about as they played.

25. Chad Allen 1999-2001: Chad Allen’s real first name is John. He has three first names. That’s neat to me.

It’s not that Allen was bad with the Twins. In fact, he was actually a pretty decent hitter, offering a .275 average in 773 plate appearances. He also hit all of his 14 career home runs with the team. The main thing working against Allen’s memorability is who he played with: namely the three-headed monster known to Twins fans as the Soul Patrol (Hunter, Jacque Jones and Matt Lawton). Realistically, how was he supposed to make a lasting impression with those personalities around?

Following the 2001 season, Allen spent the next five years bouncing between six teams, including a brief 2003 stop with the world champion Florida Marlins. He would never play more than 21 games with a major league club again.

24. Darnell McDonald 2007: The 2007 season has always vexed me. A new job in a new city had me mysteriously scheduled to work during the broadcast of seemingly every game of the season. I was not amused. This reduced me to “enjoying” the majority of the season the way our ancient ancestors enjoyed their baseball: newspaper box scores. This unfortunate set of circumstances led to me experiencing the entirety of several short-lived Twins careers exclusively in print. Mr. McDonald was one of those individuals.

Called up on July 20, to replace an injured Michael Cuddyer, McDonald was limited to four games where he managed one walk and one hit. Coincidentally, that one hit came in his final at bat with the club. After a somewhat forgettable stint with the Cincinnati Reds, McDonald seems to have found a home as serviceable fourth outfielder for the Boston Red Sox.

23. Mike Jackson 2002: 2002 will always be remembered as a magical season for Twins fans. Responding to the threat of contraction, a band of young and hungry upstarts led by first-year manager Ron Gardenhire not only dominated the American League Central, but went on to shock the Oakland Athletics in the playoffs before losing to the eventual World Series champion Los Angeles Angels.

Of course, not everyone on the 2002 Twins was a fresh-faced youngster, case in point: Michael Ray Jackson. A 15-year veteran, the 37-year-old Jackson was signed in January to help bolster a bullpen that featured four other 30-plus-year-olds and a team that featured two other 37-year-olds.

Jackson was decent in his 58 regular season games, posting a 3.27 ERA, but providing nothing much else outside of that veteran presence. He made one appearance in the division series against the A’s, facing three batters and allowing one hit. Then came the Angels. The Twins pitching was terrible against the Angels and Jackson was a big part of those failures, posting a 27.00 ERA.

22. Jesse Orosco 2003: The all-time leader in career pitching appearances, Orosco is one of the best relievers in the history of the game based on longevity alone. The man pitched in 1,252 games over 24 season, was a two-time All-Star, and recorded 144 saves despite only twice leading his team.

In 1986, Orosco saved 21 games for the World Series champion New York Mets. Seventeen years later, with confidence in J.C. Romero waning and, yet again, in search of a veteran presence, the Twins traded minor leaguer Juan Padilla to the Yankees for eight games worth of the 46-year-old south-paw.

Though he was acquired just in time to be placed on the playoff roster, the Twins were underwhelmed with Orosoco’s 5.79 ERA in 4.2 September innings and decided they could lose to the Yankees without him.

21. Garrett Jones 2007: Another one-hit-non-wonder from the 2007 season, Jones’ power had always been promising in the Twin’s and Braves’ minor league systems. With both injuries and general ineffectiveness running rampant at the Metrodome, Jones was finally called up in his age-26 season after spending four years with the Twins’ AAA affiliate, the Rochester Redwings.

Jones split his 31 forgettable games with the major league club pretty much equally between first base, designated hitter and the corner outfield positions. The power was still there, as in 84 plate appearances, G.I. Jones hit two homers, two doubles and a triple to go with his paltry .208 batting average. And with that, he was gone.

After being blocked by Justin Morneau for seven years, it became apparent to all involved that the only fair thing to do was to set Mr. Jones free. He signed with the Pittsburgh Pirates in December of 2008, and two years later, led all rookies in homers (21) and slugging percentage (.567).

Predictions

30 for 30

I recently celebrated my 30th birthday. In recognition of my surviving more than 10,957 days on this crazy ball we call Earth, I figured I would throw together 30 top 30 lists. Why? Because I like to list things. It’s what I do. I also like to watch TV, read comic books and imagine what life would be like if I had toes on my hands instead of fingers. I assume opening jars of salsa would be more difficult.

You know what else is difficult? Staying focused long enough to put together one list of 30 things you are passionate about and providing brief write-ups of each. That being said, four months after I originally started writing this, I have come to the realization that this will likely be the only top 30 list of its kind. So, enjoy. Today’s topic: My all-time top 30 favorite forgettable Minnesota Twins.

Before we get started, a quick word on what exactly qualifies someone as a “Forgettable Minnesota Twin.” Generally these players fit into two categories: 1) Players who, while certainly and commendably good enough to make it to the majors, never really did anything to distinguish themselves. 2) Players who, while they may have had successful major league careers with other teams, contributed approximately diddly-squat during their time with my home town nine.

Two more quick pieces of boilerplate before we get to the list proper: 1) To make this list, I have to have seen these players or at least been cognizant of their existence on the team. 2) Due to my decidedly non-athletic-centeric state of mind during my pre-high school days, this list includes only those players who appeared in a regular season Twins game no earlier than 1999.

Also, this turned out to be pretty long. So I’m breaking it into a couple different posts. So, without further delay; here’s Part 1:

30. Bret Boone 2005: Perhaps one of the best examples of a potential low-risk/high-reward deal, Minnesota acquired Boone from the Seattle Mariners for minor league pitcher Andy Baldwin and cash. It turns out the M’s had non-tendered the three-time All-Star for a reason, as his production, which had dropped from 2003-04, fell completely off the map in 2005.

One of many men Jose Canseco has accused of steroid use, Boone lasted 14 games with the Twins batted .170 in 58 plate apperances and committed two errors in 77 chances.

29. Craig Monroe 2008: I have always been the type to get unnecessarily excited about Twins transactions. From Adam Everett to Rondell White, just about every time the Twinkees acquire new on-field talent, a little piece of me reacts like a 10-year-old at Christmas. Livan Hernandez? Loved it. Chris Gomez? Terry Mullholland? I’m on board. Henry Blanco? That worked out decently. Craig Monroe? Not so much. That’s right. Even I, the man who once said, “Awesome! The Twins just invited Ken Harvey to Spring Training!” cannot remember being excited about this deal.

Coming off a disappointing 79-83 season, the Twins needed to replace a certain seven-time Gold Glove winner, two-time All-Star and winner of the Best Outfield Smile Award from 1999-2003 and 2005-07 (2004 being a tie between Jacque Jones and Lew Ford). The team needed to find a slick fielding outfielder with power and speed who would serve as a clubhouse and community leader. So who would be the new Torii Hunter?

Of course Monroe wasn’t going to live up to the on- and off-field production of Hunter. I don’t think anyone with a firm grasp on reality expected him to. That being said, Monroe’s numbers in 58 games: eight homers, 29 RBI, no steals, and a 27% strike out rate. At least with no errors in 19 chances, his defense was OK.

28. Jim Hoey 2011: I was all ready to write a scathing blurb here about how poorly Hoey performed in 2011. I was going to talk about how much promise the hard-throwing righty had shown in the minors and how he posted the worst numbers of his career in his short time in the Twin Cities. Then I actually looked at the numbers. In 26 games with Minnesota, Hoey contributed 24.2 innings, a 5.47 ERA, a 4.7 BB/9 (walks per nine innings) rate and no hit batsmen. All career highs.

So, yes, it turns out that as far as Jim Hoey seasons go, 2011 was pretty good. Of course, he did produce the lowest strikeout rate of his short career (5.1 K/9), gave up four home runs and struck out only 14 in what was just a generally “blah” season all around. Plus it’s really hard to overlook the fact that he was basically all the team got in return for J.J. Hardy.

27. Casey Blake 2000-02: Casey Blake has been in the league for 13 seasons. He has 167 homers, 1,186 hits, 616 RBI, 445 walks and a .264 average. By no means is Casey Blake an all-time great. What Casey Blake is, however, is a solid major league ballplayer who has helped several teams, providing solid offense while playing every position except for pitcher, catcher and center field.

That being said, I challenge anyone to tell me one memorable thing he did while with the Twins. Game winning home runs? None. Game tying home runs? None. Meaningless, down by 12 runs with two outs in the ninth inning home runs? None. That’s right, Casey Blake did not hit a single home run for the Minnesota Twins. Of course, he only played 29 games with the big club, but still, not a one? No triples either. One interesting note, he recorded the same number of doubles as runs scored: four.

The most interesting thing to me is that, despite being primarily a third baseman, he played mainly first base during his sporadic Twins appearances. What would Doug Mientkiewicz’s career had looked like if Blake had done something impressive during those 29 games?

26. Philip Humber 2008-09: Were it not for a break-out 2011 season with the Chicago White Sox, Philip Humber would most likely be remembered by Twins fans and the greater baseball world alike as one of the three guys not named Carlos Gomez included in the Johan Santana deal. He certainly won’t be remembered for anything he actually did in a Twins uniform.

In 13 relief appearances for Minnesota, Humber had a 6.10 ERA and had almost the same number of strikeouts (15), walks (14) and earned runs (15) without tallying a single win, loss or save.